I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If I die, sorry about rent.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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