TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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