I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
