who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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