One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My vagina just clenched in fear
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