Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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