and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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