Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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