I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
