I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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