Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
