You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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