Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
