he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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