Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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