I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Drake has all the answers
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
