I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
