I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
