she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
