Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
