thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Your penis caused this!
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