and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
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Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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