I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
