Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
