Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
