just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
