I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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