3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
