Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
