I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
