Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
