It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
