I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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