i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
