DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
