dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
