but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
