Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
