Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
