upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
