Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
