Umm I'm too high to move.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
