Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
May the power of my ass compel you!!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
