after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I wish you could order shots online.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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