Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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