i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
