peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
