that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
