I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
