Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
