Having a random hookup so left but love u
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
