vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
