Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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