Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
