i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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