new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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