Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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